Dear Mr. Critical,
I am Xylexyvok from Zerefyv. I recently killed Xoveck in the battle of Ylexo with Vozet. My issue is no one cares. They can’t get much past the first page of my story. Help!
Your issue is your name, the cities you visit, the people you fight, and the weapons you use are all unpronounceable, impossibly complicated, and I can’t understand one in there words in any given sentence.
I read a book like this. It’s one thing to take inspiration from cultures of the past. It’s another to randomly put x, z, and v in just to seem special. It makes it difficult to follow. I put the book down after a paragraph. Everyone else I’ve spoken to tells me I need to finish it, because the story is amazing, but I can’t get past the naming, and honestly there are too many great books out there to keep reading one I struggle with.
So the issue is a simple one. Simplify names, stop being so alien (unless you’re legitimately being alien), and make it so people can say the names. Make it obvious when you’re talking about people and places. Our own cities and villages rarely correlate to names.
That’s it. This is a really simple fix for you and your writer. Keep it simple, keep it pronounceable, or at the very least keep it true to an influence.