Some of you may not be familiar with this phrase, but ‘guard her heart’ is commonly used in the south, especially in Christian communities.  Though it is a misnomer, as it is impossible to truly ‘guard’ a person’s heart (life is pains and trials and this can never be escaped) the sentiment is good.  A better turn of phrase would perhaps be to ‘tend the heart’, or ‘care for the heart’.  However, whatever wording is used the meaning remains the same: to treat a woman’s heart carefully, to tend it well, to care for her and love her deeply, to know her and ensure that she feels known, appreciated, and loved.  What disturbs me is that this phrase is only ever applied to women.

Men, at least in the conservative Christian community, are repeatedly told to guard the hearts of women, to care for the women in their lives, to tend them well, to defend them, and to avoid hurting them whenever possible, and these are things that they should do.  However, it seems that women do not get the same message.  Many women appear to believe that their role is to be pursued, to be wanted, to be loved, adored, and taken care of.  Like the women of Victorian England they are told to, ‘lie there and think of the queen’.  I am not one to attribute malice where ignorance is a sufficient explanation, and so I say this: women, it is your responsibility to care for the men in your lives, just as it is their responsibility to care for you.

And do you love them in return? Remember, love is an action, not an emotion.

You want to be treated well.  You want to be loved.  You want be pursued.  You want to be told that you are beautiful, that you are important, special, worthwhile.  You want to not only be told these things, but to feel them.  You want a man to treat you like a queen.  Do you really think that men don’t want these things as well? Don’t need these things as well? Every man from 15 to 95 wants to be told that he is handsome, that he is skilled at what he does, that he is a worthwhile person.  Ladies, your job is not to be pursued, but to pursue in return.

Not only this, but just as it is a man’s job to protect you from the fickleness of his own emotions, to ensure that you feel loved and cared for, even when he does not feel like loving or caring for you, it is your job to do the same.  The men in your life long to know that you view them highly, that you admire and respect them, that you care for them and desire to please them.  In short, they want to know that they are important to you, and that you are not only willing, but eager to fill their needs.

Open any book on marriage (and this is a slight exaggeration as I have not read every book on marriage), and you will find that women want to be loved and men want to be respected.  That women long for intimacy and men long for sex, and to a degree this is true.  However, while the trappings might be different, the underlying desires are the same.  All of us want to be loved well, treated well, to know that we are important to the ones that we love, and so few of us are willing to actually give that in return.  No two people will receive these feelings in quite the same way, but everyone wants to feel them.  By this I mean that we all recognize love in different forms: one man wants to be told that he is worthy, skilled, and important; another cares nothing for words, but wants to be served; another is happy to take care of himself, but treasures tokens of affection; and another recognizes love through physical intimacy (the book The Five Love Languages covers this well, and I suggest everyone read it).

How well do you love your significant other?

The job of each of us, male and female alike, is to learn the specific needs to the people we love (and this applies to spouses, friends, siblings, and children), and to do our best to fill those needs.  However, from conversations with a few female friends, I have begun to realize that men are taught this, but women often are not.  So, at the request of one of those friends, I am asking each of you who read this (men and women) guard and treasure the hearts of the people in your lives.  Care for them well, put them before yourself, and show them your love and affection every day.  Stop being afraid, stop being consumed with your own problems, stop thinking nothing of those around you, and take up their burdens.  That’s what friends are for.

In your relationships, your marriages, or your romantic entanglements, do not be flippant and careless with the hearts of others, but treat them with love, respect, and dignity.  Do not hate those who have hurt you, and do not hurt others in the same way, but treasure them instead.  Learn the needs of your significant other, and love them well.  Be amicable with all, and take up your own responsibilities to those who you pursue, and by whom you are pursued.  In short, be concerned for others.

3 thoughts on “Guarding a Man’s Heart

  1. An excellent post, and I STRONGLY suggest that ANYONE in a relationship of ANY kind read “The Five Love Languages”. Actually, even if you aren’t in a relationship, I suggest you read the book. Think of it like knowing your interests. You may not want to ask someone out if they don’t share your interests, but you DEFINITELY don’t want to ask them out if you don’t even know what your own interests are.

    Lastly, this is biblical. The Bible’s command for husbands to love their wives is the second part of a reciprocal commandment, and it is important enough to be delivered in three separate letters (Ephesians 5, Colossians 3, 1 Peter 3). God delivered these two commandments hand-in-hand, every time, on three separate occasions (and from two separate authors) for a reason: they are part of the same commandment. It is, as we say today, a two-way street.

  2. Very well stated, both of you. As you said, Tobias, Love is a verb. Yes, love is an emotional experience, but without action growing out of that feeling it is selfish, internal, and thus not loving.

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