Dealing With Rejection Part 3: Assumed Rejection

I should probably just have this on my forehead.

The more you are rejected, the easier it is to assume people are rejecting, or are going to reject you.  Rejection can do a number on your confidence, especially when the rejection comes from something or someone important to you.  I remember the first time I had a doctoral application rejected.  It was my first taste of academic rejection (at that point the only area in my life where I really had any confidence left), and it shook me deeply.  I called the school because I had to know why they had rejected my application – sure that it must have been a mistake, or an oversite of somekind.  It wasn’t.

While dealing with a rejection is hard, dealing with repeated rejection is harder.  While being rejected (whether it is by a school, a member of the opposite sex, or an agent or publishing company) hurts, and often damages your confidence, repeated rejection cuts deep and makes you question your value.  If a magazine rejects one of my stories it hurts, but I can console myself that it just wasn’t the right story for them.  When ten magazines reject the same story, then I start to wonder if there isn’t something wrong with me as a writer.  When fifty magazines reject the same story, I start to wonder if I should be writing at all.  The same is true in any venue.

I recently had the privilage (and I mean that completely) of helping a friend through a hard time, we will call this person A.  A has had a rough time with the opposite sex, it is not that A is unattractive or undesireable, in fact A is a wonderful human being whom I feel honored to count as a friend (and if your reading this, I mean that too).  However, A has been through a lot of rejection.  A is now in a close relationship (we will call the significant other B), and is struggling with the assumption that B is planning to end the relationship.  There is no evidence of this, and there is no reason for A to assume this, but A past experience has led to the conclusion that members of the opposite sex do not find A desireable for a long term relationship, and so even small actions on the part of B can cause A to feel that B is going to end the relationship.  Repeated rejection has cause A to question A’s value as a person, and A’s value to others in a relationship.  It also causes A to make the mistake of assuming rejection where it is not present.

I tell this story (and I hope that A doesn’t mind), because repeated rejection is something that you will have to deal with as an author, and repeated rejection can very easily lead to assumed rejection.  It is very easy to stop submitting a story, or to stop submitting altogether, because you have receive repeated rejections.  It is also easy to stop pursuing relationships because you have been rejected by the opposite sex.  It is easy to assume that you are going to be rejected, and so give up before you even try, and it is easy to assume that you are being rejected when you are not.

I have mentioned before that I teach at an online university.  I have recently been sending out CVs to similar universities in an attempt to bolster my income with a second job.  So far, after three months, I have only heard back from one of them, and that one I haven’t heard from in about a month.  However, I know that paperwork can take a long time to process (why escapes me – I don’t understand how it takes a month to peruse and file 5 sheets of paper), but I know that it can.  So I am not going to assume that the university has decided not to hire me.

Trust me, you'll know.

Sometimes rejection is very obvious.  Sometimes you get a letter (or more often an email) saying, ‘This story doesn’t work for us.  Thanks for submitting, but please don’t feel the need to submit again.’  Othertimes you get a letter saying, ‘We liked this story, but I have to inform you that we can’t use it.’  This is rejection, but it is rejection that leaves a door open for future submissions.  Sometimes you get a letter saying, ‘We don’t want this story, but feel free to submit again.’  This seems like rejection, but it’s not.  The publisher is actually asking for more work from you, submit something else as soon as possible.

Ultimately, the gist here is, ‘don’t assume you are being rejected unless it is obvious, and don’t stop trying because you assume you will be rejected.’  As a starting author you will be rejected a lot, but you can’t let that make you quit.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and follow my own advice.

Dealing With Rejection Part 2

We just don't fit together huh?

A while back I wrote a post about dealing with rejection.  Being that I have recently faced some new rejection I thought I’d write another one, why…because the subject is on my mind and writing is sometimes cathartic.  Having a girl tell you that she’s not interested sucks, losing a friend because she couldn’t be satisfied with just saying ‘No thanks, not interested’ sucks even worse.  As I write this I’m not quite at that point yet, but all of the signs are pointing in that direction, and I can’t say that I’m particularly happy about it.  So, what do you do when something like this happens?

Honestly, I really want to say, ‘Grow a pair and deal,’ but that’s probably not particularly helpful advice.  Remember that, whether it is a girl or an editor, you can’t control anyone else’s actions.  If someone rejects you, then you have to deal with it.  If a girl tells you that she’d rather not be friends anymore, well – that’s her mistake to make.  If an editor tells you to just stop submitting, that’s his.  Whatever form the rejection takes, you can’t force a person to change their mind.  You might be able to convince them to change it, but you have an equal shot of driving them even more firmly into their rejection.  I’ve had the same editor reject three very different stories.  It’s becoming clear to me that he just doesn’t particularly like my writing.  I could send him an angry email explaining that I am a very good author, and he should rethink his position on my stories.  There’s even a remote chance that he might do just that.  It’s more likely that he’s going to remember my email, and tell his editor friends what a pretentious jerk I am.

Yes, yes it does. But pain is a growing experience right?

So, what am I going to do instead? Find someone else to submit to.

When this girl tells me that she’d rather not be friends anymore? I have other friends.

Both of these situations are hurtful, but I’m not going to change either of them by getting angry, or by getting even.  I can control my actions, but I can’t control theirs.  So I’m going to move on.  Maybe these situations aren’t as bad as they seem. Maybe someday things will be resolved more amicably.  Maybe they won’t.  If that day comes, great.  If not, well, I’ll get over it and try again.

Dealing With Rejection

Sometimes it feels like God just has it in for you.

It’s something we all have to learn.  Whether it comes as rejection by parents, friends, employers, institutions, women (or men if you are a woman, I suppose), we all have to deal with rejection in some form.  Or at least most of us do.  I suppose that it’s possible that there is someone out there who has never been rejected from anything – if you are reading this, the rest of us hate you.  Not really – but, a little bit.  As authors we have to deal with more rejection than most.  This is true whether you take the professional or independent publishing route.  I’ve met several people who have decided to publish independently because, in their own words, ‘I just can’t handle all that rejection.’

This is a mistake.  As an author you’re going to deal with rejection, one way or another.  It might come as a form letter from an agent telling you that you’re book isn’t what he/she is looking for.  It might come when you check the sales stats on the book you just independently published, only to see that you’ve had one sale in the past three days.  It might come when you’re sitting at a book signing for five hours, and no one shows any interest in your work.  However it comes, you will deal with rejection, and it will hurt.

I’ve been rejected a lot (that list at the top – just the start), and so I’ve had a lot of practice at dealing with rejection.  The first thing I have to tell you, it doesn’t get any easier.  In fact when rejections start to pile up it has a cumulative effect on you.  The more you are rejected, the more you want to give up, crawl in a hole, and never come out.  Here’s a hint – that’s not the answer.  A famous person once said, “Success equals not giving up.”  A lot of the time this is true.  If you give up, you will never succeed.  If you walk out of the race, you will never finish.  If you stop writing, then you won’t be read.  So, how do you deal with rejection?  Here are a few hints that have helped me:

1) Find someone to talk to:  Whether a girl just broke your heart, you got a pink slip, or nobody came to your book signing; talking about it helps.  A good friend is worth a million dollars, so find some friends that you can talk to when things go bad, and then find some friends that will still talk to you when things stay bad.  If you’re religious praying is also a very good way to deal with rejection.  Talk to God about it, let him give you peace.

The News Headline: Tiny Godzilla Terrorizes Tokyo

2) Shoot something: Pain leads to anger, at least in most people, and so violence (appropriate violence) is a good, healthy way to deal with rejection.  Go to a shooting range and take out your frustration on some clay pigeons, or find a heavy bag and beat on it for a while.  If you practice martial arts it can be good to find a sparring partner.  However make sure that they know what you are doing, and that you get your anger out in the activity, and not on the person.  If you just get mad and hit people, you won’t keep many of those friends for long.

3) Cry: I don’t take this advice often, mostly because it is very difficult for me to cry, but sometimes that is exactly what you need.  When you’re so hurt that you feel like your having a heart attack, crying helps.  Preferably do this somewhere private – generally people will think poorly of you if you explode into tears on the subway.

4) Try Again: Don’t let rejection stop you.  When you’ve invested your heart, mind, and life in something that fails, it is easy to walk away.  Sometimes it takes years to get back to the point where you’re ready to try again, but you have to try again.  Admittedly, in my experience, book rejection is easier to bounce back from than female rejection, but everyone is different.  While I can have a book or story rejected, and sit down to start writing again the next day, being rejected by a girl (or a school for that matter) takes me time to get over.  In general, the higher your hopes are, and the more invested you are, the more rejection is going to hurt, and the longer it’s going to take to get over.

Now, here are a couple of methods that seem like a good idea, but aren’t.

1) Keep Your Hopes Low: Rejection doesn’t hurt much if you don’t invest anything in what you’re doing.  Often, this seems like a good idea, it protects you, keeps you from being hurt, and lets you get stuff done.  However, life requires passion.  If you never invest in what you’re doing, then you never let yourself get passionate about it.  Passion has to be controlled, but it also has to be present.  If you’re writing a story/book that you’re not passionate about, then it’s probably not going to be very good.

Mostly because I like cats...and you're cat is talking to you.

2) Only Bet on a Sure Thing: Any good gambler can tell you that there is no sure thing.  Something bad can always happen.  However, even if there was a sure thing, success requires risk.  If you’re not willing to take a risk, then you’re never going to be a success.

These are just a few ways of dealing with rejection.  I’m sure that there are plenty more, so why don’t you tell me some of the ways that you have dealt with rejection.